Thursday, June 23, 2011

Is it wrong for me to feel depressed??
I feel very sad....extremely sad at times. Is it depression?? I don't know.
But what I do know is that every time I find myself feeling like this, I take me to the side and say,"hey, you...get a hold of yourself".
Bad mom..bad partner..bad sibling..bad daughter.
I feel like all of the above when I find myself in my sad days.
In my sad days, all I wanna do is stay in bed and cry. Cry loud and long.
Please don't ask me,"why are you crying?', because it will be the same answer as the last time. Please don't ask me to 'be strong", because on my sad days I don't wanna hear that.
All I wanna do on my sad days is just cry.
Cry for the man I lost.
Cry because I won't get to see him in this lifetime ever again.
Cry because I won't get to see his hair turn grey.
Cry because I won't ever hear "Chingao"* again from him.
I love my son, my partner, my siblings, and my mom...and I hate feeling like I am letting them down somehow when I'm having one of those days.
But all I wanna do some days is just cry.....please just let me cry in peace.

*Chingao is the equivalent to damn ( at least in my dad's case it was)

(Un) Happy 4th

Last night I held my dad. I hugged him, I kissed him. I smelled him. I told him I loved him. He was happy,smiling, and wearing his plain white tee.
I didn't want that dream to end. Ever.
It's been a while since I have dreamt with my dad. I was so happy to be with him again, if only for a little and if only in my dreams.
I find myself missing him so much. I hate crying in front of my son, my parter, my siblings and even more in front of my mom. I have to be strong.
My dad loved the 4th of July. I can even say that it was his favorite holiday. Why??  I'm not even sure exactly why but he really loved it.  Since the 4th of July is right around the corner, I find myself missing him more than ever. I remember that we used to celebrate the 4th in a lake/park in Evanston. We would get there early in the morning to get a good spot to grill and relax. In the evening, he loved being front and center for the firework show.
He loved many things in life. How am I going to make it through this year and the rest of my life without him??
He enjoyed doing the little things in life.
For the holidays, he always made sure we got the best experience he could provide for us. He would buy us costumes and take us out trick or treating on Halloween. He would have us help him choose and decorate the Christmas tree (we even got a chance to help him wrap up presents). He would buy us firecrackers for the 4th. He would give us money to buy mom something for Mothers' Day and for her birthday.
 He would take us to the museums. He loved the Plants of the World exhibit at the Field Museum.
 He wold take us to the  zoo. He loved the botanical garden at the Lincoln Park Zoo.
Summertime was grillin' time....he loved to grill and relax in his backyard.
Now summertime feels its missing my dad as well.

Friday, June 17, 2011

Happy Father's Day to All (but me)

Father's Day is 2 days away. I have been feeling extremely sad this past week. This will be the first Father's Day where I will not be purchasing plain white crew neck tees size Large, plain white briefs size 36-38, and plain white athletic cotton socks. These were standards gifts from us to our dad. He liked to use these items thoroughly and then dispose of them. So, for each and every special occasion, we would always get him these same three things. Once in a while we would change it up. I remember I once bought him colored crew tees and he did not wear them at all....he said he was comfortable in his plain white tees because they went with everything. And we also bought him colored boxer briefs once. He also did not wear them...he gave them away. Last year I was too busy with other things that I did not buy my dad anything. I did go see him and spend a couple minutes of my busy life with him. I figured I would just buy him something 'nice' next year. Now I look back at that time and wish I could relive it for just a little bit more. Please...just a couple of minutes more to spend with my father on Father's Day 2010.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011


I remember clearly that as a child I really wanted to own a good pair of sneakers. I wanted brand name shoes (i.e. Nike, Reebok, Fila), but all I got was Pro-Wings. It was all my parents could afford at that time. They had 3 other kids to shop for as well. Pro-Wings were gym shoes from Payless. Back then in the days, late 80's-early 90's, the selection of shoes at Payless was not as cute as they are today.
I remember one day in particular in 4th or 5th grade, can't remember exactly, my teacher was trying to make a point about something and asked us all to show her our shoes. So, one by one each of us showed her what we wore. I was mortified because I had Pro-Wings and my classmates made fun of the kids with Pro-Wings. Luckily, since my last name starts with a U, thank the lord for alphabetical seating, I was skipped because by this time my teacher had made her point. I was so relieved because my secret was still safe. After this incident, I pestered my parents nonstop for some cool, brand name shoes. And, to make matters worse, we lived right next door to a shoe store (kind of like a Footlocker). Everyday I would look at the shoes they had and I pictured myself with some of those cool shoes. So, finally in the 8th grade I got my first pair of brand name gym shoes. They were Nike, black with white, and I think they were boy shoes. But I didn't care as long as I could finally say that I owned a pair of Nikes. They were also dad paid $85 for them.
I did get compliments on my Nikes but I really didn't like them. They made my feet look huge. I just wanted them to show them off. I realized that I had made my dad buy me those expensive shoes and I really did not care for them. I couldn't tell him that of course.
It took my dad about 3 years (since 4th or 5th grade) to buy me some 'good' shoes. Three years of saving up money to be able to afford name brand shoes for his oldest child.
Thanks dad...

Monday, April 25, 2011

21 Days

My dad is a typical Mexican-American man....he would deny he was in any pain no matter how much pain he was in. He was an alcoholic for about 30 yrs. This excessive drinking caused major damage to his liver but the symptoms of this damage went unnoticed until it was too late.
We noticed my dad was getting yellow (jaundiced) on his face, eyes and chest. We wanted to take him to his doctor's office for a check-up and he declined this offer. We begged and pleaded with him to get a check-up since his last check-up had been about 12 years ago. My dad finally agreed to go to the check-up in the summer of 2005. 
 He was diagnosed with Diabetes Mellitus Type 2. He had to check his blood glucose levels on a daily basis, monitor and balance his meals, and Oh yeah...his liver was in bad shape. The doctor said his liver was 90% damaged from all those years of drinking. Both, dad and I were sad to learn this. The doctor also said that the liver was an amazing organ because it could regenerate itself and my dad could live a long healthy life with the good 10% of his liver IF he 1.managed his diabetes and 2. stopped drinking.
He did good for about 8 months and then he decided to drink just one beer. That quickly became 12 cans of beer. He justified it by saying that he had managed to stop drinking for 8 months and that he could stop whenever he wanted to.
 Needless to say, he dismissed what his doctor told him and stopped monitoring his blood glucose and continued drinking. Which brings my story to December 13th 2010, when we brought my dad in to his doctor's office because for a whole week prior to the 13th my dad was acting 'weird'. He did not want to eat, he spent all his time exhausted and in bed. He couldn't raise his arms above his head nor did he have any strength in them. His walk was unsteady and he had difficulty swallowing. His doctor informed us that we were to take him to the emergency room because my dad had hepatic encephalopathy. The toxins in his body had not been secreted by his liver, because the good 10% he had 5 years ago was now damaged as well, and since they were not secreted they had built up in his body. The toxins were affecting his brain and this in turn affected his speech, gait, and memory.
The rest after that visit to the ER is history....he spent 21 days  hospitalized before he passed away.


Why didn't my dad just stop  drinking.? Why was he so damn selfish and think only about his needs? Why the hell didn't he stop drinking when his doctor told him to? Why didn't he listen to me when I pleaded for him to stop drinking? Why? I feel like screaming loudly.

 I feel like crying but mainly like screaming as hard and as loud as I possibly can.

It's just not fair to lose a parent this way. He caused his own death. There I said it.

So here I am sitting at home, typing away. I miss my dad. It pains me to say this but he really did cause his own demise.

He was sober for about 8-9 months straight. I was so proud of him. He was proud of himself. But in the end,
his need to drink was too strong. He started drinking again. Drank himself to death.

All his major organ systems failed because his liver was severely damaged due to his chronic alcoholism.

I feel so much anger at times. Anger at my dad for being an alcoholic.

 Anger at my inability to help him. Anger at my mom for drinking with him.

Anger at his family for not supporting him as he supported them in their time of need.

Anger at god for taking him away.

I had a hard time writing this because I hate feeling this way but this is my venue to vent, so here I am venting away.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Dad: Intro...

Dad: Intro...: "Hello...My name is Nancy and my dad was an alcoholic. For as long as I can remember my dad always loved drinking. I thought all adults dran..."