Thursday, June 23, 2011

Is it wrong for me to feel depressed??
I feel very sad....extremely sad at times. Is it depression?? I don't know.
But what I do know is that every time I find myself feeling like this, I take me to the side and say,"hey, you...get a hold of yourself".
Bad mom..bad partner..bad sibling..bad daughter.
I feel like all of the above when I find myself in my sad days.
In my sad days, all I wanna do is stay in bed and cry. Cry loud and long.
Please don't ask me,"why are you crying?', because it will be the same answer as the last time. Please don't ask me to 'be strong", because on my sad days I don't wanna hear that.
All I wanna do on my sad days is just cry.
Cry for the man I lost.
Cry because I won't get to see him in this lifetime ever again.
Cry because I won't get to see his hair turn grey.
Cry because I won't ever hear "Chingao"* again from him.
I love my son, my partner, my siblings, and my mom...and I hate feeling like I am letting them down somehow when I'm having one of those days.
But all I wanna do some days is just cry.....please just let me cry in peace.

*Chingao is the equivalent to damn ( at least in my dad's case it was)

(Un) Happy 4th

Last night I held my dad. I hugged him, I kissed him. I smelled him. I told him I loved him. He was happy,smiling, and wearing his plain white tee.
I didn't want that dream to end. Ever.
It's been a while since I have dreamt with my dad. I was so happy to be with him again, if only for a little and if only in my dreams.
I find myself missing him so much. I hate crying in front of my son, my parter, my siblings and even more in front of my mom. I have to be strong.
My dad loved the 4th of July. I can even say that it was his favorite holiday. Why??  I'm not even sure exactly why but he really loved it.  Since the 4th of July is right around the corner, I find myself missing him more than ever. I remember that we used to celebrate the 4th in a lake/park in Evanston. We would get there early in the morning to get a good spot to grill and relax. In the evening, he loved being front and center for the firework show.
He loved many things in life. How am I going to make it through this year and the rest of my life without him??
He enjoyed doing the little things in life.
For the holidays, he always made sure we got the best experience he could provide for us. He would buy us costumes and take us out trick or treating on Halloween. He would have us help him choose and decorate the Christmas tree (we even got a chance to help him wrap up presents). He would buy us firecrackers for the 4th. He would give us money to buy mom something for Mothers' Day and for her birthday.
 He would take us to the museums. He loved the Plants of the World exhibit at the Field Museum.
 He wold take us to the  zoo. He loved the botanical garden at the Lincoln Park Zoo.
Summertime was grillin' time....he loved to grill and relax in his backyard.
Now summertime feels its missing my dad as well.

Friday, June 17, 2011

Happy Father's Day to All (but me)

Father's Day is 2 days away. I have been feeling extremely sad this past week. This will be the first Father's Day where I will not be purchasing plain white crew neck tees size Large, plain white briefs size 36-38, and plain white athletic cotton socks. These were standards gifts from us to our dad. He liked to use these items thoroughly and then dispose of them. So, for each and every special occasion, we would always get him these same three things. Once in a while we would change it up. I remember I once bought him colored crew tees and he did not wear them at all....he said he was comfortable in his plain white tees because they went with everything. And we also bought him colored boxer briefs once. He also did not wear them...he gave them away. Last year I was too busy with other things that I did not buy my dad anything. I did go see him and spend a couple minutes of my busy life with him. I figured I would just buy him something 'nice' next year. Now I look back at that time and wish I could relive it for just a little bit more. Please...just a couple of minutes more to spend with my father on Father's Day 2010.